Pickles Will Kill You

AP Stats listserve archives dated:  Sun, 26 Aug 2001
Subject:  Re: Pickles Will Kill You

Every pickle you eat brings you closer to death.  Amazingly, the “thinking man” has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, “in a pickle.” Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. Eating them breeds wars and communism.  They can be related to most airline tragedies.  Auto accidents are caused by pickles.  There exists a positive relationship between crime waves and consumption of this fruit of the curcurbit family.  For example:

Nearly all sick people have eaten pickles.  The effects are obviously cumulative.

  1. 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
  2. 100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
  3. 96.8% of all communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
  4. 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 14 days preceding the accident.
  5. 93.1% of juvenile deliquents come from homes where pickles are served.

Evidence points to long term effects of eating pickles:

Of the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a mortality rate of 100%.

All pickle eaters born between 1908 and 1918 have wrinkled skin, have lost most of their teeth, have brittle bones, and failing eyesight–if the ills of eating pickles have not already caused their death.

Even more convincing is the report of a noted team of medical specialists:
rats force-fed with 20 pounds of pickles per day for 30 days developed bulging abdomens.  Their appetites for wholesome food were destroyed.

In spite of all the evidence, pickles growers and packers continue to spread their evil.  More than 120,000 acres of fertile US soil are devoted to growing pickles.  Our per capita consumption is 4 pounds.


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9 thoughts on “Pickles Will Kill You

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